This story of my unlawful exploits contains some police work that is slightly impressive and some that is slightly disgraceful. Now I know I make it seem like I hate the police but the truth is I don't. I just really dislike the police. I think that it's strange that people that have one of the highest paying jobs that require arguably one of the smallest amounts of actually education get to walk around with handguns and handcuffs barking orders at everyone else and intimidating anyone who slightly annoys them. Not that there aren't damn good cops out there, I just feel like I don't get to meet many of them.
Case numbers 2009FO000290 and 2009TR001605
One night in August of 2009 (don't really remember which night) I decided to go out and have fun with my friend grupstra. I was staying in Washburn for the weekend and I wanted to make the best of my there day sentence there so we went to Ashland to party it up. The night was fun, we spent not a lot of money to get pretty drunk and a good time was had by all. Including as I recall a couple of Bitzers. Anyways after bar close we hung out at someone's house for a while until we sobered up and then decided to head back over to Washburn.
On the way back to Washburn grupstra rode with me so naturally we cranked System of a Down and took the scenic route. we went down one of my favorite back roads (which I haven't been on since) and then took the lakefront way into the lower west side of Washburn. As I was turning onto the dirt road that outlines the lakeside, I started accelerating due to a lapse in judgement.
Now I don't remember what I saw in the road, maybe a deer or something, but I swerved to miss it and lost control of the car. The car spun perpendicular to the road and then the tires finally gripped the road, sending the car into the ditch and hitting a small tree right in the center. "FUCK!" I yelled and instinctively put the car into reverse. Turning the steering wheel back and forth I wiggled the car out of the ditch and back onto the road. I was too afraid to check the damage right there so I drove to grupstra's apartment.
When we got to grupstra's, I got out and took a look at the front of the car. The middle of the hood and bumper were totally fucked up. Now to mention there was steam coming out of the car and shit was dripping out the bottom of it. Grupstra said something about how this always happens when he's with me and that was probably the funniest part of the whole ordeal. (so far) I to him I'd figure it out, said goodnight and drove home.
When I got to my house I couldn't stop apologizing to my mom. ( a sort of tail between the legs scenario as you can imagine) She to me she was just happy I wasn't hurt and we sat in the kitchen talking about what we're were going to do. After probably 20 minutes my mom went into her room and I went into he living room and stripped down to my underwear before I layed down on the couch. All of a sudden I noticed flashing lights outside my house. I looked out the window and saw two cop cars outside by my driveway. I told my mom the cops were outside and I proceeded to go out onto my side porch to talk to them.
The cops asked me if someone had gotten into an accident. I said yes I had and they asked why I hadn't reported it. I told them that I had talked to my insurance company and they had told us we didn't need to. (I don't know if this was true at that point but I know that they did tell us that. Weird I know) The cops told me they had followed the trail of leaking coolant from the accident site back to my house driveway. (I know, right?!)
They told me that is was strange that my insurance company had said that and then they had asked if I had been drinking that night. I told them I had been earlier but not in the last few hours. They asked me how many I had and I said the standard two or three. The cops then told me they would need to perform a sobriety test. Naturally I was hesitant and I discussed it with my mom. She didn't want me to but the cops told me if I refused that they would arrest me and bring me to the station and test me there. I decided I had no other choice but to do the stupid test.
The problem here was that I was still in just my boxers. I asked if I could go inside and put on some pants and a shirt and they told me no, I had to do the test in my underpants. (I KNOW right?!) I didn't want to get into trouble so I walked out onto my driveway to do the test. First I walked the line, then did the touch your nose thing. Finally they did the dreaded nystagmus test (follow the tip of the pen with your eyes) and as anyone whose taken drivers ed knows this test is nearly impossible to beat. However when the test was over, the officer told me I had passed.
They left that night to figure out what they were going to do. They didn't really buy my story about having an innocent drive in the middle of the night then happening upon an animal in the road. The next day one of the cops came back to my house and told me I had a choice. I could stick with my original story and get charged with operating a vehicle left of center which loses you four points off your license, and some other ticket with a point value. I can't remember what the other one was but it would have lost me my license (again) because I already had six points against my license from prior violations
(As explained in a prior blog, if N>= then N= my license is fucked. Therefor, 6 + 4 + (n>2) = (N>=12) = my license is fucked)
I was, however, given an alternative. If I simply admitted that I stretched the truth a little and was being a careless dick, they would change the second charge to disorderly conduct with a motor vehicle which apparently does not count as a moving traffic violation and therefor has no point value. (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) I fessed up and I made it out with two points left on my license and managed to keep it that way until eventually the 12 points were restored after a year.
I used to think the cops were real dicks about that little stunt with me in my skivvies. Actually I still think they kind of were. But I guess doing a field sobriety test in your underpants in front of the neighborhood at 3 a.m. is a small price to pay for dodging a second license suspension and possibly an OWI. So thanks for the little handout Washburn PD. Maybe I won't talk as much shit about you as I used to.
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