How Osama Probably Died.

So since it was announced in May that Osama Bin Laden was killed people have been in a state of confusion over how exactly he died. I guess the official story is that he was killed by a special forces team in a firefight but we all know that news sources are about as trustworthy as a nymphomaniac in an elevator when it comes to the Middle East. So to clear things up I've compiled a list of the most likely ways that Bin Laden actually died.

1. Hit by the one U.S. Army Hummer that gets worse gas mileage than the rest of them.
2. Crushed by a Boeing engine that had fallen off of a commercial airplane.
3. Food poisoning from Akmed's Famous Qabli Pulao.
4. Burned to death performing the classic "Flaming Osama" stunt.
5. Committed suicide after a fellow member of Al Qaeda prematurely disclosed the death of Dumbledore.
6. Drunk camel riding incident.
7. Got in a fight with Donnie Yen -- lost.
8. Mistook cyanide pill for an Advil.
9. Didn't turn down a dare to hold a golf club up in a thunderstorm.
10. Tried to wrestle a sting ray like his idol Steve Irwin, is now the 3rd person to have ever died from a stingray.
11. Crushed by a cave in caused by sound waves from playing his favorite Jonas Brothers album way too loud.
12. Was rear-ended driving a Ford Pinto (this was obviously mistaken for a suicide car bombing)
13. Tried bacon ONCE, ate himself to death over the course of an eight year bacon binge.
14. Attempted to "fix" an old missile with a hammer.
15. Suffocated in his sleep on his own beard.
16. Shot in the head when he jumped out of the dark trying to scare someone for a good laugh.
17. Died from a heart attack when someone handed him his very first Victoria's Secret catalog.
18. STDs. Poor bastard.
19. Didn't realize that the English words "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing.
20. Tried to best George W. Bush in a choking-on-a-pretzel contest. Lost.
21. Invented a functional light saber, but didn't design it with a handle.
22. Overdosed on Viagra, bold move.
23. Died of sleep deprivation watching his favorite movie (Wild Wild West) for seventeen days straight.
24. Bludgeoned to death by simultaneous punches received from Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Andrew W.K. Mike Tyson, and the Old Spice Guy.
25. Couldn't handle his first Blatz.
26. Died of heatstroke due to being disguised in a burka for almost two weeks.
27. Didn't wait 15 minutes after eating before going back into the pool.
28. Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana phone!
29. Terrible accident with his very first pellet gun.
30. His real name was Amy Winehouse