You Suck If.... (part one)

You suck if...

• you ever wear v-neck shirts
• you pretend you got a text when it was actually a facebook update that not even you give a shit about
• you refer to anything that was popular before the present as "retro"
• you ever use a portmanteau in a sentence
• you just googled "portmanteau"
• you use "googled" as a verb
• you request songs on the radio
• you listen to the radio
• you have been out of high school for more than two years and your best stories are still from when you were in high school
• you were EVER in high school
• you ask people how many "friends" they have in reference to their facebook
• you still use myspace
• you try to tweet to celebrities like they give a shit
• you try to tweet to your friends like they give a shit
• you tweet
• you refer to your favorite sports teams as "we"
• you refer to nascar as a sport
• you have a shakeweight
• you DON'T have a shakeweight?!
• you read the name tag of someone in a restaurant and pretend to know them to try to get a discount
• You yell "Ultimate!!!" when making your first toss in ultimate frisbee
• you ever use the term "ultimate frisbee"

(segway here: frisbee will never be "ultimate". "Ultimate frisbee" is a term that shithead fratboys coined, and when they got bored the game got passed on to people who probably lived in a college dorm for longer than most college students should. If frisbee were ever to earn itself a respectable adjective such as "ultimate", you would have to set the frisbee on fire and catch it with your mouth)

• you lived in a dorm longer than anyone you know
• you lived in the parking lot of a dorm longer than anyone you know
• you refer to downloading music for free as "pirating"
• you have every bottle of booze you ever drank on display somewhere in your house
• you say "ciao" "che chic" "tre bon" or almost anything in french if you are not actually french
• you ever say a sentence in a different language to people that you know don't speak that language and say "oh sorry I didn't realize I wasn't speaking english"

(fuck off you pretentious douchebag)

• you still use a woodburning kit
• you say things like "I'm bagging her tonight"
• you like the bourn movies/books
• you like the twilight movies/books
• you like the chronicles of narnia movies/books
• you like the bible
• you like the bible
• you like the BIBLE?!
• you drive a hummer
• you drive any "fuel efficient" SUV
• you pretend your prius is saving the planet
• you buy carbon offsets
• you buy carbon (totally)
• you low flow your toilet to save water
• you pretend any of your bullshit is saving the planet (besides selling everything you own, including your fucking prius, and usingt he proceeds to buy a plot of rain forest, then never letting anyone touch it)
• you are a moral vegetarian
• you are a health vegetarian
• you are a vegetarian
• your favorite food is not my favorite food
• you are Justin Bieber
• you are Paris Hilton
• you are Adam Levine
• you are Bono
• you are Matt Damon
• you are Cher
• you are the guy that invented segway scooters
• you aren't George Michael
• you aren't Christian Bale
• you aren't one of the Coen brothers
• you bring a guitar to bonfires 

I'm very sure I'll have more of these. Ciao.