The End

Her stuff is packed up. It's sitting ironically in the same box she brought my stuff in. I wish I could say this is the worst part. This must be how conservative pro-lifers feel when they're forced to get abortions for health reasons. I'll be honest, you're not going to want to read this post. I'm really just trying to get this shit off my chest and this is the way I've been doing that lately. I understand that she might read this and she might not, but maybe if she does I will have, at the very least, shown that I put some thought into what I am about to say. Or she'll think this is the icing on the immaturity cake... Sorry.

I'm angry that I stopped showing her that I care. You know I thought I was better at this shit after this long but once again I gave myself too much credit. I mean it's not like I'm not angry at her, which is probably a good thing it its own right, but I realized even early on that this was my fault, and still I either couldn't figure out what to do, or I was sick of trying, which was also stupid. 


I did the classic pyscho act again. It didn't really help, big surprise. To my credit it was way milder than my psycho acts in the past. Then again the last time I did that I was like sixteen. You know something, I realize it's one of the biggest turn offs in the world. It's just you'd think that she'd realize that the only reason I'm even capable of saying psycho things like that is because I'm psycho in love. That sounds at least sort of healthy, right?


A huge problem here is also a thing I like to call the "Music Factor", which basically makes any break up ten times worse (at least for me) because of course we had so much music together. What makes the M factor even more devastating is that songs that didn't particularly even have anything to do with our relationship remind me of her. Why all the love/breakup songs anyways? Fuck if I know, but now for sure I won't be able to listen to The Knife, 3Oh!3, Edward Sharpe, Chairlift, Metric, Tiesto, Ingrid Michaelson, Arcade Fire, Linkin Park, Hatsune Miku, La Roux, One Republic, Rebecca Black (fuck off), The Noir Soundtrack, The Claymore Soundtrack, The Howl's Moving Castle Soundtrack, Weezer, Ray Charles, Radiohead, Oren Lavie, Ke$ha, or any K-pop at all without feeling absolutely fucking hollow inside. Yeah I know, I'm fucked.


I can't believe how little time it took her to move on. I can't believe how much time it took me to realize that I messed things up for good. I want her to know that I'm bleeding. That I can't be me without her. That my life is never going to be the same again. That I would stop or start anything for her. I would do anything just to have a snowballs chance in hell of getting her back. That I realize how immature all of this is and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.


I love her. I don't want the fish in the sea. I don't want there to be a dawn. I only want her. She was my everything and because I was too stupid to make sure she felt that, now I have nothing. I love her.


I posted this video on her wall a long time ago, because I thought the song was beautiful, but also because I felt that the content of the video was pretty accurate with how I would feel should she ever leave me. This is one of the only instances I can remember in our relationship where I was actually right.

 I miss you so much and I love you so much more than I ever told you I did.