Hello again fans! I bet
you've all been waiting forever for me to finally update my blog! Well the wait
is over after a long... whoa... fucking five months? Well... shit. Well anyways
I've decided to spend some time ignoring homework and focusing on one of my
favorite things (and yours too damn it): ME! Of course the problem tonight is
the problem I always have when I want to write a filler blog. I just can't
really think of anything great to write. I mean everything I write is great
(obviously) but I prefer to blog about something REALLY great. Something that,
when I read a year or so later, makes me want to send a letter to myself in the
past telling past Mike that he's awesome and that he shouldn't worry about
getting less awesome in the future because he (obviously) didn't.
Anyways today's format
is another list. Now I've never been one for the whole "20 things you
never knew about me" bullshit but I was hope that I could break away to a
slightly more entertaining mode. So if you love me as much as I do and you have
virtually nothing else to do for the next five minutes, please enjoy the
following list of "Unimportant Things That No One Knows About Me" and
I'll see you later.
1. I can't stand people leaving time on the
microwave
Tell me if you've been
in this scenario: you go up to a microwave with a cold food item, hoping to use
the almost certainly deadly radiation inside (you're pretty sure from all those
fucking bugs you caught and tortured in there when you were a fucked up little
kid) to heat up said food item. Upon approaching said microwave you look at the
time display and it defiantly displays to your eyes ":03" Who the
fart knocking FUCK couldn't wait three measly seconds to eat a frozen burrito?
Did the package instructions say "leave
a minuscule amount of time on the microwave for best results" or
do you just have some fear of beeps? And don't try to tell me you didn't want
to wake me up asshole, you could have cleared the three seconds off after opening
the door.
Another problem with
this is how disorienting it can be time-wise. Like if someone leaves a minute
and twenty-four seconds on there, and I walk up to it to prepare food while I
wait for class. "HOLY PISS WHIP I'M A FUCKING HALF HOUR LATE FOR
CLASS!" I exclaim as I stupidly stumble down the hall spilling chili on
all my shit. Yeah I get that I could double check just to be sure and save
myself some grief.... OR you could just do the
cafeteria's equivalent of putting the seat back down and erase your
fucking time. I wish every microwave was one of those turny knobby deals,
because then people would be forced to turn it back to zero. Plus they have a
satisfying "DING!"
2. I refuse to eat American Cheese
I grew up in Wisconsin,
so naturally I'm a big fan of all kinds of cheese. I love grilled cheese
sandwiches, I sprinkle parmesan on everything, hell I'd probably eat out
of the toilet if I could trick my body into shitting gouda. However, there's
one staple of the United States cheeseburger industry that will plague me for life.
American. Fucking. Cheese. Somewhere along the course of history, some total
dumbass decide to take one of the most deliciously beautiful
culinary achievements of man and take a giant, steaming, dinosaur
dump on it. If I had a time machine, I would train for one year slapping bags
of rice and work my way up to granite to strengthen my palm. Then I would
travel back in time and find that piece of shit and slap him so hard that his
present-day descendants could feel the shit-kicking shock
wave through the space-time continuum.
So yeah, it's my least favorite food. Right in front of raisins. (Come on guys, they're gross. They're
just senior-citizen grapes)
3. Raccoons are my favorite animals
Raccoons are the most
adorable animals on the fucking planet. When you catch a raccoon going through
your garbage all it does is look at you like "Oh shit, dude sorry about
the mess but I'm like really fucking starving here!" Unless of course you
piss it off, then it'll usually hiss at you for a bit, say "fuck it"
and waddle off to a garbage producer that will appreciate it. Baby raccoons are
even better and if you are lucky enough to live in a state that allows them as
pets (I'm looking at you Wisconsin) you can raise one and help it become a
better kid than some stupid shitty human that'll eventually
just disappoint you by becoming an art major.
(Sorry mom)
4. I can't stand stickers touching my skin
All of 'em. I don't give a shit what's on them. I don't give a shit if they smell like something. I
don't give a shit if they're fuzzy. I don't fucking care. Don't put them on me,
don't put them on my spelling test, don't bring them near me. I wouldn't want
you to just spread glue over my skin or onto something I love, so what
difference does it make if it's stuck to the back of a piece of fucking paper?
FUCK stickers. Stickers are the poor man's tin button, and I ain't
impoverished. Stickers are especially stupid because not only are they the most
disgusting form of advertising, but they're also the cheapest. If you want me
to support your troops or whatever don't approach me with a little piece of
paper with one side covered in what feels like half dried jizz. Shit, this
wouldn't be such an issue for me if my body was just fucking magnetic. A guy
can dream right?
Stickers also fade over
time quicker than any other fasten-able media. So it's like you stick
one onto your car or computer and after like a year of regular sun exposure you
just have this little white piece of bullshit stuck to something you like.
Seriously, FUCK stickers.
5. I'm scared of elevators
A lot of people can
relate with me on this one which is understandable. Elevators are steel death traps.
When you step into an elevator, you are trusting your life to a metal box made
in the most cost-effective way possible, held stories about the ground by a
metal rope roughly larger than Ron Jeremy's cock. Plus you get into the thing
with people you might not even know or like, then share what precious air can
circulate through that mobile prison cell. Some old fucker could have just
popped a Valium and a Questran and then cut a big meaty shit ghost into the
elevator. Yeah no fuck THAT. I've come too far in life to go out being murder
by gravity stuck in a big metal fart coffin. All elevators ever will be are the
first cheapest amusement ride that anyone ever went on. Ironically, I
am not afraid what-so-ever of real amusement rides. Except for the Zipper. Fuck
that thing.
Speaking of the
Zipper...
6. I fucking hate the carnival
Which one is your
favorite? The thing that flips you around in a cage on a conveyor belt made out
of Mexican bike chains, or the think that spins you around in a cage
attached to a propeller made from recycled 80's era Honda Civics? If you get
tired of those rides you can always enjoy watching people risk their children's
lives by strapping them into a plastic seat attached to
a helicopter rotor spinning at astronaut training speed.
If potential multiple
homicides aren't your thing, you can always pay toothless, incestuous
carnies to play obviously rigged games for a counterfeit Scooby-Doo stuffed
animal that was painstakingly, poorly made by some six year old in Laos who's
paycheck couldn't buy him a thimble for his bloody little sewing fingers.
.....shit, that was a
little morbid huh?
Well anyways, I think
six is a good place to stop. Especially since I stopped giving a shit at number
four. I hope this has been educational for you, and if you have something funny
about yourself I'd love to know what it is. Please post the shit out of it,
then promptly go back to anything else that matters. Good day to you!
7. My favorite band is Maroon 5
Just kidding, That band
is a total dumpster fire.
No comments:
Post a Comment